Empty Nest
My husband and I got married and built our family in Tokyo, away from our home country. We raised our two children with the (big!) help of hoikuen or daycare center.
With both of us working full time, we couldn’t have done childrearing without their teachers’ help, as well as our friends’ who served as our family support system.
To be honest, I got jealous of my sisters who had full time babysitters and helpers. I did not have that and I don’t think I would ever have that luxury, as long as I live in Tokyo. Looking back at how my schedule had been, from preparing my babies early in the morning so I could drop them off at their hoikuen on time; immediately reporting for work afterwards, and then heading back to pick them up after work, it felt like I had so much energy. When we got home I often wondered where my energy came from, which enabled me to fulfill all of those tasks! When I picked them up, it would always feel like a sweet reunion. Getting back at home signaled our long routines of dinner time, bath time, story time and getting ready for the next day. My “me time” would only be possible once they were quietly tucked in their beds. Weekends were mostly driving our children to swimming, music and Kumon lessons.
It seems like a very hectic and tiring schedule, you might say. I admit, that being a mother of two children who are 3 years old apart, while having a demanding full time job was indeed physically tiring. Interestingly though, there was not a single day that I thought of taking up a different role. However, I must be truthful to say, that while raising my children, I had wished so many times that they would be more independent and mature quickly. Perhaps, this wishful thinking came from my desire as a mom wanting to be labelled “a good mom”; or simply, it came about as a result of physical fatigue. I guess it was more likely the latter.
15 years later, my wishful thinking seemed to be getting pretty close to reality! Last April, both of my children decided to attend a boarding school for their middle and senior high school. “Yay, freedom at last!”, I thought! Things that I would love to do once they leave our home ran endlessly through my mind. Not that I don’t love my children (because I do really love them so much!), but I felt a sense of relief. Without them at home, I imagined how our home would be mess-free and quiet. I told myself that I probably won’t feel lonely which is what they describe parents who experience the empty nest syndrome. The phrase “empty nest syndrome” is coined by psychologists to describe a condition where parents feel lonely when their children leave home for the first time. I strongly believed that I would be the exact opposite ---- I would be so happy and excited!
However, I was wrong. Our home may be mess-free and quiet and peaceful but the silence is deafening. I could feel a void in our home. A void in my heart. A void in who I am. I am a Mom, but I felt that it was suddenly taken away from me.
Constant communication through text messages and video calls have been slowly filling in the void. While our little grown-ups sound so excited when they share with us their new experiences at their respective schools, all I could tell them is how I miss them. It’s a bittersweet realization how our conversations have slowly been shifting away from them consulting us, to them informing us; not only that they are looking after themselves, but they are also making decisions for themselves. How come I do not feel proud about this? Isn’t this what I have been wishing for? My children have started to take responsibility of their own. Yet, how come I feel like I wanted to be needed? I have come to realise that I really do feel this way because of the “empty nest syndrome”. I miss them. Not only their presence at home but the daily responsibilities that go with it. Fortunately, I have found peace knowing that despite their independence, I am not free from my responsibilities to them. Their age or distance from me would never exempt me from feeling responsible for their welfare. I am a Mom, like any other Mom out there, with a mission to provide unconditional love and support anytime and anywhere my children are.
As my children spread their wings and dive into different adventures, my husband and I have also started to spread our wings in rediscovering the joys of our marriage before we became parents! This is our way to deal with our empty nest stage. Yes, I am boldly acknowledging that I am in this stage, but consider it a transitional stage in my life. As with any stage in life, I do not plan to stay where I am right now. This is but a transition and there is a way out of it.
For now, I can hardly wait for December, when our little grown-ups come home and make our “nest” empty no more!
Written by
Vieda Morales (Flowers Class Teacher)
Photo taken from https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a38834/empty-nest-advice/
