My experience with Depression

Depression is nothing new and is not uncommon. One article surveyed 924 children and found that 30% of Japanese High School students (from this sample) had shown moderate or higher signs of depression, and what is more alarming is the fact that 15% of elementary children were showing moderate or higher signs of depression (https://www.nippon.com/en/japan-data/h00943/).

I am another individual that has suffered from depression, and I decided to share my experience with you to give you an insight into what I experienced and what kind of things went through my mind. Depression comes in various forms and severities, and my case is unique to me. This is not a “how to cure depression” article, rather a story that I hope will help you understand what goes on inside the brain of someone that suffers from depression.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was around 13 years old, however I felt I might have had it much earlier for I remember having these negative feelings and emotions a few years prior. I was prescribed anti-depression pills which I had to take three times a day (which never seemed to work) and go to therapy sessions (I never told my therapist anything so of course he couldn’t help me, and I stopped going after a few tries). No one would have imagined me to have depression. Although my father was quite strict, my parents were very loving, and I felt that I had a fairly normal family. I wasn’t a very social person, but I still had a handful of friends and a somewhat normal school life.

I don’t exactly remember how it started or what triggered it, but I think my depression came from lack of self-confidence and selfishness. My father’s expectations of me weren’t very high, however I don’t ever recall him really praising me. I was also very bad at taking jokes, so my friends enjoyed playing jokes on me and watching me overact to things. Ever since I was little, I had a difficult time managing my emotions. I would instantly start crying, and at school and at home, that was not allowed. So, I began bottling everything up. Problems kept piling up with no solutions to them. I started to feel weak and hopeless. I felt flawed for getting upset about the smallest things that “normal” people would be able to brush off. From there it was a downward spiral to depression.

Once I got stuck in the quicksand of depression, my emotions and thoughts were locked in a negative state. My brain was so busy looking at all the bad things in life. Things were starting to get very difficult for everyone around me, and I felt horrible for putting them all thorough it, which lead me to make the worst decision, distancing myself and trying to solve everything on my own, even though I had zero success in the past. When I was alone, my mind was plagued with extreme negative thoughts, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want people to pity me; I didn’t want people to think I was immature and unable to solve my own problems. Every time someone tried to help me, I felt even more miserable and powerless. Social media was another downfall of mine. Everyone seemed so happy and perfect, and I kept comparing myself to them which made me feel even more broken.

One day, my mom received a phone call from her mother. She had been fighting esophagus cancer on her own for some time, however the doctor told her that she needed to either move to a nursing home or find someone that can help her 24/7. I wanted to get away from everything and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I volunteered to move to Japan from the US and thus my life with just me and my beloved grandmother began. I was 23 years old.

Moving to a new country and starting anew didn’t really make a difference to my depression, because my base mindset was still negative. What eventually helped me overcome my depression was the realization that I was too busy thinking about myself and what was happening to me. I was being selfish. My grandmother suffered from extreme pain throughout the day. She barely weighted 20 kilograms and could hardly walk. This is where I finally made the most important realization of my life. There are people out that that are also having a difficult time and, in most cases, much worse than what I had been going through.

I began to appreciate the fact that I was alive, and had my family, and everything around me. The final nail was stopping all forms of social media. I was very lucky to have escaped depression and I sincerely hope no one ever has to feel this way. It is a scary condition that can happen to anyone at any time, and there is no easy way to cure it. Please remember that this article is not about, “what is the cure for depression” nor is it “how to help someone with depression”. This is my unique experience with depression, and I decided to share it hoping that there may be something in my story, that might help.

Thank you for reading! Stay healthy, stay happy!

Written by

Suguru Nimota on December 3, 2021