Power struggles with children

Feeling powerless in life is something that can cause severe stress in all of us. Can we prevent this stress? Yes of course we can, however the need for us to be able to control situations is a human condition. All of us have found ourselves in situations that test this, and we have all probably been pushed into a strong emotional reaction.

Children are our greatest teachers and when we think rationally about it, most of the decisions in their lives, in the early years, are made by adults. While children today, have far more freedom in the decision-making process than I did, they still instinctively want to sometimes fight for more. And a power struggle can often be just that. It is not always the content of the struggle but the need to assert themselves that creates the situation. It is similar to the fight or flight mechanism. When a child is not getting his/her healthy need met for control, these situations will take place. And what about us as adults? What is happening in our lives or in our day, when a power struggle rears its ugly head? And then also ask yourself the question….do I want a child who never questions anything that I say and always agrees with me? Hmmmmmm! I am sure that the answer is a straight NO!

And even if it isn’t, let’s look at what we can do as adults to recognize when a power struggle is taking place and what can we do to diffuse it. Most of the time, children want to do the “right” thing but occasionally their strong will and mind is there to test us. “Many studies have shown that a healthy sense of power and control is associated with lower stress, a greater sense of well - being and increased internal motivation”. Our priority as adults, is not to limit a child’s power but rather let them have some autonomy in situations where it is absolutely fine for them to decide e. g. choosing their own clothes, having an extra five minutes to play in the park, add milk to their cereal (too much) or eat as much as they want to and acknowledge when they are upset about something that they couldn’t get. It is so important for us as adults to react to children as we do to adults. Are we dismissive of our friends when they are upset because something didn’t work out as they wanted it to? NO! So why do we think that it is okay to do it with children? It really isn’t. Angela Pruess who is a licensed Child Therapist suggests that we listen to children more and this in itself could reduce our need for power, their need for power and the resulting conflicts that are easily avoidable.

Pick your fights!

Listen to your child!

Breathe deeply!

Acknowledge your child’s feelings!

Offer choices!

Smile and enjoy parenting!